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The waiting game part 1...

I never imagined what torture it would be to wait to begin ovulating!  And to boot I always thought that I would be one of those relaxed mommy-to-be's.  I think going this route is a very different game than the traditional way of trying at home with your partner and then waiting the 2 weeks to see if AF comes to town.  Yes, this route includes taking your fertility meds to give you the best chance to ovulate and to help your follicles grow big and strong as well as twice daily tests to see if you are having a surge.  Well....I do not like failing tests and it was a long wait until I got my happy face!!  But....I got my happy face this morning and it is time to call the clinic and tell them I am ovulating.

Meanwhile I am doing all this research about what I can and cannot ingest (especially during the first trimester) so I have the best chance of carrying a child to term.  It is scary.  I LOVE my morning tea and I may have to change my daily habits.  In fact, I think it will be easier to give up my beer than my morning warm beverage!  I suppose I should relax and go with the flow....but seriously it is easier said than done.  Now I understand why this process is so stressful for people.

Patience :)

I went in on day 3 of my cycle. U/S showed that I had a small cyst, but not a big deal.   As suspected, my cycle was early.  My acupuncturist gave me the MOST amazing chinese herbs made me able to sleep through the night during AF.  No Pain!!  Stopped taking them though since I am now on a 5 day cycle of Letrozole (aka Femara) and then time to start testing for ovulation. Letrozole is a drug that lowers your estrogen so that your follicles grow and you have a better chance of ovulation.  It is also a breast cancer drug.  Once I get the smiley face for a positive test, IUI will occur in 24-36 hours.   My "donation" is being shipped from California now and should be here in Tuesday (at the clinic).  IUI should happen Friday or Saturday according to the clinic.  I am going to start testing earlier since my cycles have been so short.  Don't want to miss it.  Besides, apparently you can get Ovulation kits at the Dollar Store!!  Crazy!!  Now....just the waiting game.  Tonight is the school fundraiser and I spent the last hour painting my toenails green in honor of St. Patrick's Day.  Will be stopping by my brother and sister-in-laws house for a little party before hand (and to get kisses from my little lovelies).  I have opted not to dress up and just wear something comfortable this evening.  After 11 years of these over-the-top events at my school, I am slightly over it.    I will make my appearance, look at all the loot, see who buys my donation (no, not THAT donation :) and drink a pretend drink (you know so people think you are drinking but you are not).  I plan on drinking a cranberry with spritzer.  I will be there with one of my pregnant friends, so she will be drinking the same :)  Looking to have a low key week and take good care of myself.  I have acupuncture Monday and Wednesday and Yoga on Tuesday.   Spring Break starts on Friday and my sweet students are throwing me a 40th Birthday celebration that day. :)  And I am giving myself the best birthday present ever!!

In preparation for the big day...

In order to relax and have the best chance of this working on the first cycle,  I have been proactive in taking care of myself.  I have been more thoughtful about what I eat.  I have been coming home and spending good quality time in my kitchen cooking healthy macrobiotic meals.  Grains, greens, roots, miso soups, and healthy proteins...and drinking less beer to ease myself into 9 months with no beer  (I really do love my microbrews...a love Chad and I shared together).  I have been taking warm baths and trying to sleep on my back (so my chronic neck and shoulder pain is not an issue), taking yoga several times a week, dancing, seeing my chiropractor and getting P/T (again, for my neck and shoulder) and lastly....but not least...I have been going to acupuncture. I have even talked with my acupuncturist about pre and post IUI acupuncture.   Need to get more info about that...they said it increases your chances of conception by 30%.    I have even downloaded an app on my phone that reminds me throughout the day to BREEEATHE!!!!  Last night I spent a few hours with my lovely niece and nephew which always confirms that this is what I want (even though it is exhausting...they are 18 months old).  I love the cuddles and the snuggles I get from them when I am there...and even the whining to an extent.  I know I won't always appreciate the whining and crying, but I will embrace it and remind myself everyday how lucky I am!

And as my body feels today, I think my normally 24 day cycle may be shorter this month.  Once in awhile my cycle is 21 days (super uncool) and I think this cycle is going to be just that....which means an earlier due date if the first cycle works.  Getting close!!!!

One week to go.....

Getting anxious for next week to get here.  Waiting for cycle to begin.  Getting nervous....which I am trying not to do...but really hard.  This past week a good friend of mine had a miscarriage.  It made me feel so sad b/c I was looking forward to being pregnant with her.  It also illuminated for me how delicate pregnancy can be at our age.  I suspect we all go into it imagining the perfect pregnancy and the perfect child.  But alas, I am a very realistic person and I know these things happen.  I am going to try to relax and enjoy every moment of the experience and take what comes.   On a brighter note, I have a friend who is due in the next handful of weeks.  She is due April 1st, but her husband is big and tall and she is little and that big baby is running out of space!  We all think she is going early.  She started having contractions the other day.  I told her she has to give birth during spring break so I can be her post birth doula :)  I am ready to do laundry and dishes and bake things for her so she is prepares to just relax.  I can't wait to be Tia Hoot again!  Anyway...a few thoughts in the weeks before I hopefully can say I am pregnant.  Reminding myself to breathe!

Consultation (as required by law)

Apparently if you are going to donate an egg, or get IUI you must have this consultation with a licensed therapist as required by law.  Funny enough....you do not need to have this consult if you are donating sperm....hmmmm.  After the hour long consult, I understood the importance of this for those who have not done their homework.  There were certainly a few things during this that I had not really thought too deeply about.  For one,  they make it clear that not all people are going to embrace and support the idea of a single mom bringing a baby into the world without a father.  You are given some suggestions of nice ways to respond to these people that stop the conversation right where it started :)  Also, I really did not think too deeply about how I would talk to my child about this....I always figured I would use the terms baby daddy or something like that! Well...apparently using the term daddy gives some paternal connection to someone who is not any part of the child's life nor never will be. This can be deeply confusion to the child.  The term donor should be used, but never daddy or father.  Interestingly, they say to compare the donation of sperm to that of blood.  In other words, discuss with your child that people often give of themselves to help others.  Sometimes people give blood to help others who need blood, sometimes people donate organs or bone marrow and others give sperm for women really want to become mommy's!   The other interesting thing that I had actually thought about is that of surrounding the child with male figures. For example, if there are ever any male teachers the child should be in their class.  After listening to the research results on a lot of these studies, it all made perfect sense and I was glad to have had this hour with the therapist.  It made me feel even more prepared than I already am to become a single parent.  T-3 weeks until IUI! (depending on my lovely follicles).

At peace with my choice :)

I find it funny....I have put a lot of thought into this process and I have arrived where I am in peace.  I am confident that this is what I want.  Though...people still question me when I talk about it.  My male friends ask me why I don't find a donor that I know (but these men are never willing to be those donors).  I respond that it is less complicated this way and if I found a donor that was a friend and they wanted to sign off on any monetary responsibility, then what is the difference?  If I am going to be a single mom and the sole supporter, then this is the way it needs to be....and besides, I have learned SOOOO much more about my donor than I ever even knew about my husband.  My husband had an abundant amount of cancer in his family and he was ADHD and dyslexic.  You have a nearly 50% chance of having a child with dyslexia when one of the parents has dyslexia.  My first choice would still be to have a child with Chad....but being that that is not possible, I am going to be pretty picky about my choice.  The donor will resemble my family members and will be almost perfect in every way.  He is well educated with little negative health history in his family.  He has the same northern European background as my family.  This gives my child the most chance to look like his/her family members.  It has also been my dream to adopt a child from another country and that dream may still come true with child #2 or #3.  Who knows?  But I also very much want to have the experience of childbirth, so this was my first choice.  So believe me when I say, everyone had to right to think and choose their own path and I know I have chosen the right path.  I know people will have questions and comments....but they have not gone through the same thought process I have already gone through.  When they hear it, they are just hearing it for the first time....and their thoughts are the same thoughts I have sifted through over the past few years.  But I have made it to where I am and I am happy.

Choosing a Donor

When I was out with the ladies, they assured me that using a reputable bank and paying a little more was well worth it. They also said choosing a donor is very overwhelming.  The Donor Bank that I am using does very detailed checks on each of their donors and only accepts the best.   I feel confident that whomever I choose, it will be good!  So, I get onto their webpage and start browsing.  Let's start with the fact that I definitely want an open donor.  That cuts my choices in half,  but it is that important to me.  I would like someone who resembles my family members, since this child will be a part of 1/2 of their family tree....my half.   And if I could have a blue eyed child, like myself and my adorable niece and nephew....that would be pretty cool...but not totally necessary :)   So I put in my criteria.... and....come up with 8 choices out of 100's!!!!  I thought this was going to be overwhelming!  Well....this was just the beginning.  There are pages and pages of info about each donor...right down to great aunt Vera's high blood pressure!!  After watching Chad die of cancer, I definitely did not want to choose a donor that had cancer in the family.  I connected with 4 of those donors on a personal level.  I put them in my favorites.  I visited them often.  After a month of this, I upgraded so I could see their baby pictures.  WOooo!  That changed everything!  As it turns out, one of the guys looked a bit like my one brother and the other like the other.  One of them reminded me of Chad (in personality) and then the choosing got hard.  Eventually I felt like I just needed to pick which one I felt best with in my gut.  I ended up choosing a guy who said he hated stepping on bugs and that he usually catches them in the house and relocates them outside. That is EXACTLY what I do.  He is also a biker and very active,  so I just felt this connection that I needed to feel to choose a donor.  So.....next step.....first day of my February/March cycle....make the call and go in and see if it is a good month to start.   This included an ultrasound to look at my follicles are going to ovulate.  Now I just wait!!  Getting anxious :)

Making the First Move....Calling the Fertility Clinic

Is this really happening?  Did I just really dial that phone number?  Even though I am 100% sure I want children, this all feels really weird.  I have read other posts from women who have gone down this road and I felt validated that my feelings were completely normal.  We all felt like this was not our #1 choice, but if we were going to achieve our dreams of becoming mothers, it was now or never.  Thinking of my friends who have had unplanned pregnancies, I know each and every one of them would not change what happened to them.  They had different plans for life too, but life happened and they didn't regret it for one second!  Once they held their own child, the thought of that child not being in their life is hard to imagine.  I know this is how I will feel, but now there are so many unknowns.  I imagine with the fertility in my family that I will be pregnant the first try, but I have prepared myself not to have that much success, so I won't be disappointed.  Only time will tell.

The women on the other end answered the phone.  Yikes.  I begin to talk.  Who is that talking? It sounds like me....this is really happening.  The hardest part of this journey was accepting the path I was ready to take and making that first phone call.  My friend Sharon asked if she could join me at my initial appointment and I gladly accepted!  Thankfully, because even though you are listening to every word the nurse practitioner is saying, you are so overwhelmed with information that you cannot possibly remember everything.  A week later I was still texting Sharon with questions that she was easily able to answer!  My lady friends rock my world!!!!

After the appointment there was much to do.  Firstly, I needed to get ALL sorts of tests to see what my chances were of getting pregnant.  To my delight, and to the envy of all women with fertility challenges, I had 15 healthy follicles.  I am a great candidate for IUI.  My hormone levels were above what they needed to be and as usual, I felt smug as I am typically an overachiever.  It brought me back to my grad school days when I strove for straight A's....successfully (except for that darn A-, Amy!!!)  Part of me felt this incredible relief, as the other part of me thought of my sister-in-law and other friends who would smile and be happy for me, but perhaps may want to punch me right in the eye for my great fertility(though I am realistic...I haven't actually gotten pregnant yet!)  I made myself a promise that I would not gloat, only to myself. :)

Next step,  choosing a donor......

Venturing Into Single Parenthood of My Own Volition: The Reasoning Behind My Decision.

Is this how I pictured my life? Is this how I dreamed it would happen? No. But this is my new normal.  Like most people, Plan A was to get married and have a family. Life was happening when I was busy making plans. Unfortunately my husband Chad is not here to share this with me. He passed away when I was 36. I am turning 40 in a few months and I told myself after Chad passed away that if I got to this point in my life and was not in a relationship, this would be my new path. Life would not be the same without experience parenthood and it is a dream I have had since childhood.  The time is now.  I have no delusions that this will be easy. I know there will be times that I question my sanity (I watched myself go slowly insane due to lack of sleep as I cared for my dying husband). I know it will be hard... But I know it is possible. There are women in my life that I admire for navigating single parenthood with amazing grace. My friends Tara, Kathy and Amy  to name a few. They will be my inspiration through this process. I am also blessed to have a strong support system that I am sure I will depend upon!! So, let the journey begin!

BTW, SMBC stands for Single Mom by Choice.  But, if you google SMBC, you find Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal.  Funny!!!!